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Sunday, 15 July 2012

Signs That She's Psycho

We’ve all dated at least one psycho female. The thought of her probably just gave you a chill down your spine. If you’re dating a girl like this then you might as well slash your own tyres. I’m just helping you avoid those ‘Stage 5 clingers’.

After I’ve given you the run-down of the red flags that you need to look out for, you’ll find advice on how to dodge those grenades and extricate yourself from this tricky situation. Solutions at the bottom of the page!

If her favourite movie is Fatal Attraction …Run bro.

If she calls you after a minor disagreement …about the colour of your shoes  …238 times in a 12 hour period …Run bro.

If she texts you saying she misses you …when she’s sitting right next to you …Run bro.

If she trades your iPhone 4S for a Blackberry cos she doesn't want you talking to Siri …Run bro.

If she introduces herself as your fiancée, after one week of dating …Run bro.

If she accuses you of flirting when you thank the check-out girl for packing your groceries …Run bro

If she thinks marriage will cure her insecurities of you flirting with the check-out girl that packs your groceries …Run bro
If she dresses up as a psychopathic mass murderer for Halloween and uses her own clothes as the costume, insisting that psychopaths look like every day people …Run bro.

If she makes you a T-shirt with “I LOVE (insert psycho name)” on it and asks you to wear it every time you go out …Run bro.

If she’s sitting in your apartment with dinner ready when you get home from work …and you never gave her a key …Run bro.

If she says something like, “It took you 10 minutes to get home. Google maps says it takes 8 minutes. Who is she?” …Run bro

If she deletes your Facebook and makes you a joint account …Run bro.

If she makes a scrapbook documenting your relationship for the last 8 years …but you’ve only been together for 2 months …Run bro.

If you say "I’ll just be a minute." And when you get back she says, “That was 2 minutes and 34 seconds, WHERE WERE YOU!?” …Run bro.

If you just started dating and she starts practicing her new signature for when she marries you …Run bro.

If she bakes you a cake… for your 1 day anniversary …Run bro

How to meticulously plot your escape:

First, slowly remove all of your valuables that are in her possession. Careful though, move too much too soon and it will be like startling a grizzly bear!

Second, collect all her articles that are in your possession and give them back. You don’t want her breaking down your door at 3am to get her stuff back.

Third, break up in a public place where she can’t immediately murder you. This will give you time to plot a 'Houdini' move afterwards.

If breaking up with a girl like this simply isn’t enough. Sometimes you need to leave the country, change your name,  have extensive plastic surgery, enlist in the witness protection program and mutate your Y-chromosome.

Also, if you’re a raving lunatic that’s reading this post I’ve attached this ‘Post-datingFeedback Form’ for you to use freely, courtesy of 

 Please don’t hurt me.

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