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Sunday, 15 July 2012

Signs That She's Psycho

We’ve all dated at least one psycho female. The thought of her probably just gave you a chill down your spine. If you’re dating a girl like this then you might as well slash your own tyres. I’m just helping you avoid those ‘Stage 5 clingers’.

After I’ve given you the run-down of the red flags that you need to look out for, you’ll find advice on how to dodge those grenades and extricate yourself from this tricky situation. Solutions at the bottom of the page!

If her favourite movie is Fatal Attraction …Run bro.

If she calls you after a minor disagreement …about the colour of your shoes  …238 times in a 12 hour period …Run bro.

If she texts you saying she misses you …when she’s sitting right next to you …Run bro.

If she trades your iPhone 4S for a Blackberry cos she doesn't want you talking to Siri …Run bro.

If she introduces herself as your fiancĂ©e, after one week of dating …Run bro.

If she accuses you of flirting when you thank the check-out girl for packing your groceries …Run bro

If she thinks marriage will cure her insecurities of you flirting with the check-out girl that packs your groceries …Run bro
If she dresses up as a psychopathic mass murderer for Halloween and uses her own clothes as the costume, insisting that psychopaths look like every day people …Run bro.

If she makes you a T-shirt with “I LOVE (insert psycho name)” on it and asks you to wear it every time you go out …Run bro.

If she’s sitting in your apartment with dinner ready when you get home from work …and you never gave her a key …Run bro.

If she says something like, “It took you 10 minutes to get home. Google maps says it takes 8 minutes. Who is she?” …Run bro

If she deletes your Facebook and makes you a joint account …Run bro.

If she makes a scrapbook documenting your relationship for the last 8 years …but you’ve only been together for 2 months …Run bro.

If you say "I’ll just be a minute." And when you get back she says, “That was 2 minutes and 34 seconds, WHERE WERE YOU!?” …Run bro.

If you just started dating and she starts practicing her new signature for when she marries you …Run bro.

If she bakes you a cake… for your 1 day anniversary …Run bro

How to meticulously plot your escape:

First, slowly remove all of your valuables that are in her possession. Careful though, move too much too soon and it will be like startling a grizzly bear!

Second, collect all her articles that are in your possession and give them back. You don’t want her breaking down your door at 3am to get her stuff back.

Third, break up in a public place where she can’t immediately murder you. This will give you time to plot a 'Houdini' move afterwards.

If breaking up with a girl like this simply isn’t enough. Sometimes you need to leave the country, change your name,  have extensive plastic surgery, enlist in the witness protection program and mutate your Y-chromosome.

Also, if you’re a raving lunatic that’s reading this post I’ve attached this ‘Post-datingFeedback Form’ for you to use freely, courtesy of 

 Please don’t hurt me.

Sunday, 8 July 2012

A Gentleman's Guide to First Dates

Making an impression on a 1st date would be so much easier if you could read your dates mind.
She has already scripted a checklist of criteria that she wants you to fulfill. Women are harsh critics and being critical on a first date is exactly when they’re deep in their element! For good reason too!
What happens during this critical meeting will either lead to a close encounter or slowly nudge her towards the door.
Here are few pointers to get you on your way!

Don’t talk about your ex or hers, medical issues or politics. Do bring up stories about your current buddies, athletic interests, hobbies and past times. Don't impose or get too personal; whatever a girl wants to tell you, she will reveal on her own. Always have an arsenal of jokes, stories and most importantly questions, at your disposal. Don’t be a conversational narcissist because then it becomes apparent who you care about most...

Always choose a venue that you’ve been to before thus, eliminating mishaps with food or service. This is one aspect of the date that you can control. It bodes well if it’s an eatery that you frequent often and can suggest delicacies off the menu. Also, common sense should tell you that a movie is not somewhere you go to get to know someone. Save the flick for the 3rd or 4th date!

Be decisive when it comes to choosing a venue, ordering off the menu or making detours in the evening’s plans.
Don’t spend hours deliberating the menu and then ask the waitress what she recommends. Be decisive and have a plan of action along with a backbone, direction & confidence. If plans change she’ll be impressed by your ‘on-the spot’ thinking or glowing at the thought of your fore planning. It doesn’t have to be extravagant but any plan is better than no plan at all. Being ‘wishy-washy’ won’t win you any points.

 Make her feel at ease. Seeing as how the pressure is usually on the guy, putting her at ease will automatically put you at ease. She will be judging and analysing every little thing that you do! If she’s comfortable, she may be more inclined to forgive you for spilling the wine on the table, stepping on her foot or having to kick start your car. (Didn’t happen to me, promise)

 Offer to take care of the bill. If she insists on chipping in, let her. There’s nothing worse than a pushy man. Better yet, tell her she can pay on the next date or take you out for coffee, her treat.
Get it? Good.

Moderate your alcohol consumption. Chances are, you’re her ride home and you don’t want to end up in handcuffs before the night is done. This is not a bachelor party, it’s a first date. Safety First.

Many men forget to notice and compliment their date's appearance. There must be something about her outfit, her hair or the way she smells that you like. You can rest assured that she's spent a good portion of her time primping and preparing for this first date, and it's important that you acknowledge her efforts. Beware though, there’s a difference between being complimentary and being insincere. Don’t over do it.

Put away the soccer jerseys and running shoes. Neat, clean and presentable is the way to go. There’s no doubt that your date has invested a monumental amount of time and effort in getting dressed and it is only appropriate that you reciprocate. Make sure that your outfit is clean, pressed and  coordinated. Choose a good scent and half your job is done!

It is always part of first date etiquette to pick her up and drop her off afterwards. She may object and want you to meet her at the venue. So whatever the case may be, never be late. Be at least 5 minutes early if you’re picking her up and at least 10 minutes if you’re meeting her at the venue. You don’t want to keep her waiting. It’s rude and unbecoming of a gentleman.

There’s a fine line between assertiveness and aggressiveness. If the waiter messes up the order or someone cuts the line, by all means, speak up but there’s no need cause a commotion or raise your voice. Stand up for yourself and your date without being rude and abrasive. Avoid being condescending to others and belittling them. Any rude outbursts, even the most minor will never go unnoticed and definitely won’t sit well with your date. Relax and just have a good time!

…and do so generously! She’s not only watching if you do tip, she’s also watching how much you’re putting down. Show her that you’re generous and that you appreciate good service.

Your blackberry is off limits! End of story. Unless someone is knocking on deaths door, you should keep your phone discreetly tucked away. Your date should feel like she’s the most important thing in the world in that moment. It shows her that you’re able to shut off the world for at least one night and not have a constant need for attention.

So remember your table manners, stock up on your chivalry and keep a whole lot of charm in your back pocket. Follow these pointers and you’ll be well on your way to date number two.
Keep following this blog for a series of upcoming posts:
 -A gentleman’s guide to spotting the red flags of a psychotic girlfriend
- A new comic series of do’s & don’ts!